Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Letters to a Marine - 1

While my twin brother is away at Marine boot camp, I'll be writing him weekly letters. Because I share everything with you, I'll also post them on my blog. Enjoy!

Radio Active Slog,

Life without you here has really sucked.

Your cat, Bucky, has lost thirty pounds at least. Quite the accomplishment as she only weighed twenty-one pounds before. She’s so light now, that she floats! She’s torturing the dogs, running along he ceiling where they can’t follow her.

Nameless Dad and your ex-girfriend, Grace, have really bonded while you’ve been gone. Grace has been mourning the death of the unborn children you were going to have together. And Nameless Dad has really been helping her get through it all. They even wear matching veils, made of black lace, to hide their tears of grief.

Speaking of unborn children, Opera Mom got herself knocked up again. It might be Nameless Dad’s, but we’re waiting until June to see what the baby looks like. Opera Mom’s hoping for a girl, Nameless Dad’s hoping for a boy and our brother, Monkey Lord, wants to know if he can eat it. Once you eat fetus, nothing else satisfies the craving.

Monkey Lord, as you know, is still going to school. His new job at Fantasy World is paying for everything, thanks to their tuition reimbursement program. I checked out his routine. I never knew he was so flexible. The cock ring was a little over the top, but to each their own.

Me, I’m still livin’ the dream. Inventing new and interesting ways to shave geese. It’s a niche market, but I have a really good feeling about method #208. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but method #208 involves cheese and croutons.

I hope you’re having at least a little bit of fun, and enjoying the breeze on your scalp.
Love ya!
Suicidal Jane

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Why I'm not allowed in the kitchen anymore.

I made Mr. J some biscuits this morning for breakfast.

He asked why they were blue. I told them they'd just been told their wives had died in a horrible plane crash, while on their way to sleep with Tom Jones because their biscuits husbands had never been able to satisfy their needs as women biscuits.

Mr. J asked, "no seriously, why are they blue?" I told him I thought the milk may have been bad. He responded "No duh!" and refuses to eat them. I don't know why, blue's his favorite color.

Relax, I just added blue food coloring.

I don't know why these cookies are blue though... I didn't add blue food coloring to them...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Pieces of Suicide

But.. but... everyone else has multiple blogs, why can't I?

Alright, it's not really another blog. It's not even a project that I'm currently working on. What is is, is a collection of short (some REALLY short) stories that I wrote. None of these are even remotely new, and they were stored on another website, but now they're here. YaY!!!


Monday, September 22, 2008

Discrimination againts witches

Today, I was listening to my copy of Disney's "The Little Mermaid" soundtrack... thinking of my post of how spoiled she is.

(If you haven't read it, read it before you read this. It's okay. I'll wait.)

(Read it? Good, I'll continue.) More proof of Ariel's princessdom... When the evil witch, Ursula, is offering to turn the mermaid into a human, Ursula brings up the subject of payment. Not unreasonable, nothing's free - not even under the sea. But Ariel interrupts, that she doesn't have anything to offer.

What about those twenty thing-a-mabobs? Would she really miss a few who-its or whats-its? She's got plenty of gadgets and gizmos. She didn't even try to offer those up as payment. Perhaps if she had, the witch would have let her keep her voice and the whole messy storm fight could have been prevented.

It's called haggling your highness. Something the mermaid peasants are very familiar with.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Suspension of Disbelief - Anatomy Edition

This weekend I spent several hours starring at my computer, reading a friend of mine's novel. It's not finished yet, I'm one of her beta-readers and I'm very much looking forward to reading the rest of it. Her novel is an "adult" story. Erotic, sensual and a little smutty. (When it's done, it'll be published, you can get your own copy, and you'll love it. Lock yourself in the bathroom alone for two hours type - love it.)

I've also been reading a book, not on the computer, this one I actually had to pay for. A werewolf romance novel. It's cute, a little funny and half way through the book, I thought it was on it's way to becoming steamy. Boy werewolf and girl werewolf were naked (in human form, animal sex is not my thing). Boy werewolf inserted his "male length" into... her womb. That's about where I lost it. I could handle them being werewolves. I could believe that a rich hot shot man was interested in a plump orphan from the hood. But his trouser snake is so huge, he's hitting her uterus.... and why is she not screaming in pain? Something that huge has got to hurt. And how'd he get past the cervix anyway? See the diagram below... I just don't see this happening, and even if it did, I don't see her enjoying it... let alone "arching her back in ecstasy."

My friend's book, does not have any of these anatomy issues. Promise.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Naked Pirates!

Tomorrow! It's Tomorrow! International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Not only am I completely prepared, but even my cats are.

Just look at Eve.

And Vixen...

Wait... where's Vixen? Somewhere there is a naked pirate....

Naked Pirate!!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

'Member? You 'member.

100 posts! Who saw that coming?

Remember when I called the little mermaid spoiled? When I blew the lid off the "flavored water" scam?
Barbie's break-up? Her sex tape? Ken's new girlfriend?
My experiments with an underwater camera? The day Monkey Lord got a girlfriend?

The day Don Tolman and I started fighting? My most offensive post ever? The gift that keeps on giving?

Remember the post that I did with all the links to my past posts?

Good times, y'all. Good times.

Here's to another 100 posts.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Attack of the tiny tiny clones.

I think Calvin was on the right track.

I'm talking "Calvin and Hobbes" not Calvinism.

As a large part of my generation might remember, Calvin built a cloning machine. You walked into it and two of you walked out. A brilliant idea, but I don't think he thought big enough. There needs to be options, to better market the idea.

Like options to make your clone smaller and larger than yourself. After the "Austin Powers Trilogy" everyone wants a "Mini-Me", and wouldn't it be nice to have a 9-foot tall you beat up anyone who bothers you? I want options that can alter my clone's DNA to change her hair color, to easily tell us apart. I want to be able to clone my cats in plushie form. So I can cuddle with them, when they're not in the mood. And when is a cat ever in the mood?

If I could tweak my clone's personality, that'd be great too. I'd make them ultra submissive, so I could be as damn bossy as I please. Plus, there would need to be a portable model. For the Mad Scientist on the go. Different sizes available. The cloning bazooka with all the features of the cloning machine, the cloning 9mm with just the basic cloning and size alteration.

I think that as a default feature the clones shouldn't have stomachs. There's enough people starving to death as it is. Instead, to extend the life of your clones, you can buy energy pills or injections. Pills need to be taken twice daily and injections once weekly. Of course the injections would be more expensive. But this way the cloning company would continue to make profit after the machine is sold.

It's brilliant! I should go into marketing.... now all I need is someone to build it. Anyone have a degree in advanced genetics?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Obsessed maybe?

Did anyone notice that I followed my post about the song "The Final Countdown" with a post that included a countdown?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's coming!

Talk Like A Pirate Day is September 19th. Less than two weeks away!

According to the official website, it's no longer just an American holiday. It's gone international! Thank you internet.

Just think, if everyone in the world participated, we'd have a day of world wide communication and understand. A day - of world peace. Nothing is more pirate-like, than world peace.

Friday, September 5, 2008

You've just been Europe'd, because I love you.

I came up with a new game. Mr J and I have been beta-testing it, and after a month of successful tests, I am ready to to release it out into the public.

Ashton Kutcher "punks" people.

I "Europe" people. I don't mean that I send people to the continent, I am not that rich nor that generous. At completely unexpected, and frequently inappropriate, moments I find a subtle way to get the Europe's rock anthem "The Final Countdown" stuck in some one's head. Sometimes I'll text it, or whisper it in some one's ear. I've left it on peoples myspace pages, or stuck a CD in the car stereo the night before a long trip, where it's the only song. I'm not above teaching a parrot to sing it, or hiring a singing telegram. (Unfortunately, I haven't the funds to do it... yet.)

I even got the Symphonic orchestra of Liepaja and Melo-M to preform it for all of you. (I have that kind of power!!!) To introduce the awesomeness of this game. So please, spread the joy, and bask in the misery of your loved ones, after they can't get away from it for a solid month.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

McAfee = McALeak

Last night, the computer here at Casa de Rising Sol crashed. It didn't just crash, it rolled itself in a puddle of gasoline and lit a match. Five hours with the Geek Squad tech support, and several system clean ups later, the fire was put up, and the computer is working again. (Bless you Geek Squad!) Somehow our computer had been infected with over 6 trojan viruses andwith over 200 infected files.

We* discovered this when a nasty pop-up for "AntiSpyware 2008 XP" wouldn't go away. This horrible program was one of the viruses. It pops up several windows telling you that you have spyware on your computer and no matter what button you press in those windows it redirects you to a website trying to sell you an "anti-spyware" program. This program is an even worse virus than the first one, and what's even more horrible, is that if you fall for it, you've just paid for total computer failure.

I didn't fall for that. But I did fall for something else. When Mr J and I first noticed AntiSpyware 2008 XP on the computer, we immediately searched it on Google. Once we knew what we were dealing with, we found a trusted spyware & trojan scan to fix our problem. To be sure that it was a trusted scan, and not just another virus, we went straight to the Microsoft website for advice. Downloaded the suggested fix and figured we'd be fine.......

It didn't work. So we gave in and called Best Buy's Geek Squad tech support for help. Not only did the Microsoft recommended spyware remover do nothing, but it also contained one of the trojans we had to remove. What the hell Microsoft?!

And why didn't McAfee catch this? Because despite how popular it is, and how recommended it is, it's actually mediocre. If you want real protection, try Webroot.

Hopefully some of this story will be useful for you, if so, please feel free to send me money to show your appreciation as fixing our computer cost us about $300 US/dollars. If this story wasn't, and/or you don't want to send me money, I promise I'll resume blogging about my regular insanity later this week.
*By the way, everytime I used the word "we", what I really meant was Mr J was doing it, while I hid out in the bedroom watching America's Next Top Model.
**I also am not entirely convinced that my arch nemesis Don Tolman is not behind this.