Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Om nom nom nom nom nom

The end of today marks the halfway point of my ten day long vacation, and I really don't want to have to go back to work. Normally when I return from a vacation, co-workers will ask me, "so what did you do with your time off?" On those occasions, the only honest reply I can give them is "Slept a lot and watched an obscene amount of television." There is nothing wrong with that, and I enjoy spending my hard earned PTO that way. However this time, when asked what I did during my Christmas vacation, I am very excited to respond, "I INVENTED A COOKIE!"

Yesterday, the cookie that my brain and tastebuds have been fantasizing about for weeks finally came to life. With the technical advisor skills of Opera Mom, we have brought forth to the world the first red chile flavored cookie. (I know it sounds unconventional, but trust me it's fucking amazing. It's so fantastic, that I don't have any pictures to show you the finished product. They were eaten that fast. I'll try to take pictures of the next batch.)

What have I named my cookie legacy? Albercookie of course.

Monday, December 28, 2009


Tomorrow, I will begin experimenting in the kitchen with OperaMom to invent a cookie!

This going to severely cut into my WoW gaming time. Sacrifices must be made.

Also, let me know if you want to sample my cookies (once they're made)! Email me your address and I'll send you a batch!

suicidaljane at gmail dot com

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I've been infected, help me!

If you follow me on twitter or are friends with me on facebook, you might have seen this coming. It happened today. And I am so, dreadfully, sorry.

I bought my first laptop.

That's not the part I'm sorry about. I saved up for an entire year, and asked my family to forgo birthday and Christmas gifts in favor of money to help me buy this computer. It's the first computer I've ever owned. It doesn't belong to a roommate, my parents, siblings, my significant other, it all mine.

What I am sorry for.... I started a 10 day free trial of World of Warcraft today.

And so far, I like it!

So you might have thought that now I no longer have to share a computer with anyone that I'd get a lot more writing, social networking and blogging done. If you thought that, you'd be wrong. Sorry!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


For reasons I don't care to disclose, a doctor has prescribed me a shit load of hormone treatments. (Maybe I'm taking steps to become a real woman, maybe I'm trying to grow a horn out of my ass, it doesn't matter why.) And like a good girl (or soon to be girl?) I've been diligently swallowing pills, injecting shots into my thighs and ass, applying patches to my skin, despite some of the horrible side effects.

I'm bloated, I think I gained 60 pounds last night alone, I'm grouchy, I think I'm funny when I'm not, my poop is green, I can't stop burping and I'm experiencing horrendous heartburn.

Obviously I'm turning into a dragon.

It explains everything. I'm gaining weight because dragons are typically large. Dragons are grumpy and notorious for having a poor sense of humor. Green poo just means that my digestive tract has turned green. Soon the rest of my body will turn green and scaly. Burping and heartburn? Hello! I'm preparing to breathe fire.

This was not the original intention of me starting these treatments. However as far as side effects go, "turning into a dragon", is pretty cool.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Dear Google,

My friend is in the first stages of pregnancy. I'm trying to convince her and her husband to name their child the greatest name known to man, "Google". What arguments would you give her to use such a splendid name? Any chance you would sponsor the baby like Nike sponsors athletes? The "Google" logo on some onesies would be so gosh darn cute!

A fan,
Suicidal Jane

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Crayola Poop

Last night, I was ravenous. I needed FOOD!

Wait, I'm going to cut to the end of the story, so you can decide if you want to continue reading or not. I just pooped GREEN. *

Still interested? Good, I'll continue.

I was hungry enough to start looking at the cat's food, wondering "The cats seem to like it... I bet it can't be that bad." But the man who was put on this Earth with the sole purpose of making sure I get fed around a set schedule, refused to get off the computer so we could go get dinner. Sure, I could have gotten off my ass, driven myself to the store, and gotten my own damn dinner. However by dinner time, I had already had far too much to drink to drive legally. (I like to get my drinkin' started early.) Starving, I searched the entire apartment, looking for something I could eat to keep my body from devouring itself. I found cookies.

This would not be the first time I had cookies for dinner, and god dammit, it won't be the last. But it will be the last time I eat dark green cookies.

BECAUSE I JUST POOPED GREEN!* I'm not saying that my poop was green, I pooped out a color. A solid color. (I'm not including a picture, that'd be gross). You could have painted with this shit. (Which reminds of a story about my brother, but that's for another time.)

*Not that I poop. I'm a girl, and girls don't do that. Ever.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

This is how rumors get started.

I can neither confirm nor deny that a certain B-list Hollywood actor, who may or may not have autographed my left breast (and I may or may not have gotten it tattooed there), may or may not be here in town directing a web series pilot. I can am also unable to confirm or deny that I have read the script for this pilot/non-pilot. If I had, and I'm speaking completely hypothetically, I would definitely not have printed copies of it to use to wallpaper my kitchen. That would be weird. And if this was all really happening, and I'm not saying it is, wouldn't it awesome if my little brother, Monkey Lord, (who is currently enrolled in a kick ass film program) were working on the set of this project?

I bet if this dream was all real, he'd bring me home a mini muffin that this B-list Hollywood actor touched.

Or he'd make me come over and get it. Either way, he's enabling me to stalk awesomeness. I love you Monkey Lord! (I'll pick it up Friday, don't eat it.)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Best Christmas Gift EVER!

This is a non-farting hippo. Purchased from Amazon.com, who does not sell farting hippos. What the fuck, Amazon? What kid wants a stuffed hippo that doesn't fart? Know your demographic!

Because I wanted to send a certain little boy (not so little anymore) a farting stuffed animal, and I decided to make one myself. (Sure I could find farting dogs, and really expensive farting hippos, but this one will have the personal touch of being homemade. So quit poo-pooing my gift!)

A self-inflating Whoopie Cushion is needed. Pictured is my cat, Vixen, inspecting the Whoopie Cushion, tomake sure it's a high-quality product.

You'll also need a sharp cutting utensi. Scissors, seam ripper, scapel, or a knife for dramatic effect!

I find that laughing manically helps the guilt you feel when violating a
plush hippo from behind.

Tear/cut the stitches of the back end of the stomach.

And pull out about half of the stuffing in the stomach.

From a shoe box, poster board, thin cardboard, trace the shape of whoopie cushion and cut out two.

Sandwich the whoopie cushion between the two pieces of cardboard you just cut out, and insert inside the hippo.

Stitch the hippo's stomach up with the whoopie cushion enclosed. Leave the flap sticking out of the animal, under the tail. Cut off the cardboard's flaps once you're completely done sewing the hippo closed.

Begin farting!

Open Letter

Dear Chicken shit-who-hit-our-car-and-drove-away-unwilling-to-exchange-insurance-information-or-even-check-if-we-were-okay,

Merry Christmas.

I hope you get herpes,