Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Midnight in Paris

A healthy uterus can trap 3-5 cats a week. And by trap, I mean that it shoots itself inside out and outside of the female body, like the stomach of a starfish, and wraps itself around the feline.
The cat may put up a fight, but a healthy uterus has a thick lining for protecting itself against teeth and claws. Through the power of kegels the cat is quickly subdued, brought up into the body where it's stored for later.
The cats are later used to attack other women. This is how true ladies establish dominance in social packs. The attacker releases her feline and the defender does the same. They battle in a "cat fight". Whoever's cat is the winner gets to continue to climb up the social ladder.
A woman can be challenged at any time, so it's not only important to always have a cat up there, but also a strong one. This is also where the street term "pussy" comes from, and why less hygienic women's vaginas smell like fish.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Tips for dealing with a temporary receptionist.

I'm currently working as a temporary receptionist. In general, it's pretty awesome. But I've learned that a lot of people don't know how to deal with receptionist, or temp workers. So I've complied a list of tips that apply to dealing with one or the other (or both).

* If you phone in, and are an ass, I will inform the person you are calling that you're an ass.

* If I offer to send you to someone's voicemail, don't reject the offer and then proceed to leave a message with me. I'm not writing anything down. That's the whole point of voicemail.

* Being on hold for 30 seconds is not the same thing as being on hold "forever". I have a phone that times how long you've been on hold. If you complain, I have no problem dropping your call. I also have a phone with caller ID. You want to be a dick, good luck getting a live person on the line EVER.

* I will not watch your kids while you attend a meeting.

* I will not watch your dog while you attend a meeting.

* If you or anyone/any animal your brought into my office area shits on the carpet, YOU are cleaning it up.

* You want to know when someone will be back from lunch? I want a Mars bar. Let's see if we can make a deal.

* I don't want a back massage. You stay in front of my desk, and I'll stay behind my desk. No one has to get hurt.

* I have no idea how you want your coffee. That's why I asked, "How would you like your coffee?" Responding, "With a little bit of sugar" is getting us nowhere. Is a little 2 packets of sugar or 27? It's all relative.

The most important thing you have to remember about temps, especially if they know that there's no chance that this temporary assignment will turn permanent, is that we really don't care. If you get more business, we don't get any rewards. If you get less business, we don't get any punishment. There are no consequences. I will do a good job, as long as you are polite and respectful.