Monday, February 27, 2012

Big Brother is monitoring my flow

I downloaded an app that tracks my period. It sends me texts the day before my period so I can remember to shove some necessary products in my purse and not ruin someone's perfectly white couch. (Who the hell thinks that a white couch is a good idea? It is going to get ruined, maybe not by me this time, but by SOMEONE.)

At first, the app was pretty cool, it asked me a few questions, and then, other than the 28-day-mark text, it left me alone. As the months went by, it updated itself. With each new update, it asked me a few more questions. It wanted me to confirm that my period had indeed started the day it predicted. Then last month, it sent me a few more texts, "24 hours until your period begins"..... "18 hours until your period begins"..... "8 hours until your period begins".... "30 minutes until your period begins".

And slap me with a fish, it was absolutely right! This app predicted, to the exact minute, when my uterus would start expelling the uterine lining and failed-to-be-fertilized-egg.

Then last week, it sent me another text. "The flower is blooming." What the hell does that mean, I thought to myself. So I opened the app, and investigated. It means I'm ovulating. This app knows what's going on in my body before I do, and is now telling me in cryptic code. No need for pregnancy test anymore, if I do accidentally get pregnant, I'm sure I'll get a text, "The bird is in the nest."

I just wish it would let me know if I'm getting a cold. "The leaves are turning orange."
If that cold is going to turn into a sinus infection. "The duck doesn't leave it's pond in the winter."
If that infection is traveling up to my brain and going to kill me. "Wind is the color of joy, and sorrow."

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Something fun to do at your next party!

I rarely host parties at my home. The more people there, the more likely someone will steal my couch. And DAMMIT, I CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER TO LOSE ANOTHER COUCH! So why risk it?

But when I do, I like to play secret games with my guests. Games they don't even know they are playing. Like removing the soap from the bathroom, and seeing how many people use the bathroom but don't ask for soap! Now I know who all my gross friends are and who I will NEVER SHAKE HANDS WITH AGAIN! A similar version can be done by removing the toilet paper, guests go in for a few minutes and then come out without their socks.

Has any one else noticed how obsessed I am with bathrooms?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Mr J took me out of the dating market as a favor to the rest of the WORLD.

Valentine's Day has come and gone, leaving millions of women everywhere pissed at their partners.

But all of this romance has gotten me thinking of all of the things I have learned from my vast experience of dating.

  • Don't date someone just because you like how precisely they apply their eyeliner. Especially if his foundation application is sloppy.
  • If you fantasize about licking the stubble on their head, kissing them is going to be a let down.
  • ALWAYS ask out the "10"s, they have no idea how hot they are, and usually say yes!
  • No one is as ugly as they think they are. You are your own worst critic.
  • If your date's car's backseat is full of "laundry" they are living in that car.
  • Inviting you over to play Yahtzee, is code for booty.
  • If, when asked "How old are you?" your date responses "How old do you want me to be?", your date is not over the age of 17.
  • 99% of your one-night stands think that you two really connected and think that you should immediately get engaged. 80% are already in a relationship with someone else.
  • The worst way to tell a guy that the sex was bad and will not be repeated, is to tell him you think you're a lesbian, immediately after the act, before he's even had a chance to get dressed.
  • Never have a picnic with grocery store-made sushi, you will get sick.
  • The more expensive the flowers, the more likely your date is allergic to them.
  • Trying to scare away your suitor by lying and saying you have a kid, are moving to L.A. to get a job in the porn industry, are in love with your roommate and are allergic to the suitor's body chemistry, will not work. It only make their co-dependent obsession with you STRONGER. Either tell them you want to break up, or marry them and wade in your misery forever. (Either way, they're gonna break your legs.)
May these tips help the singles out there dodge these dating landmines.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Oompa Loompas need love too, Batman

Do any of the villains Batman catches, and then turns over to the police, ever not plead insanity? It seems that they all end up in the easily escapable Arkham Asylum, so they must have plead insanity for their crimes. Maybe in the Batman universe it's assumed that anyone would have to have one oompa loompa short of chocolate factory to even consider committing a crime?

Should Oompa Loompa be capitalized? I don't think it's a pronoun, but I'm getting conflicting information on the internet. Should just the first "O" be capitalized, both the first "O" and the "L", or just the "L"? Should there be a dash ("-") in between oompa Loompa (Oompa-loompa)?

Why am I fixating on oompa-Loompas when this post was suppose to be about Batman villians?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Anyway.... Happy Valentine's Day.

Here's a copy of the e-card I made for Mr J.

Monday, February 13, 2012

All I'm asking is for a little gay erotica

Jared Fogle (the Subway Guy) needs a porn alter ego. I have searched and searched and come up empty handed. Let me tell you, when looking for subway, the sandwich restaurant, porn, you come across a lot of Japanese men molesting/raping schoolgirls on subway cars videos. And until I'm a quadrapalegic, that's not really my thing. When you search for sandwich porn, you get a lot of threesome videos. Sometimes they also take place on a subway car. Once I found a video of two guys eating a sandwich while double teaming a girl on a subway car, but that wasn't what I was looking for.

Dammit, the world needs Jared Fogle seducing Michael Phelps, and/or Apolo Ohno. I can see it now, Jared enters the green room on the set of a Subway commercial the three men are filming. Jared is wearing his old size 5XL pants, holding them up at the waist band. When suddenly he drops them, revealing that he's not wearing any underwear. Michael and Apollo are shocked at the size of his footlong penis. Jared smiles at them and winking, purrs, "5 dollars."...

I want to start questioning what vigorous activity REALLY helped Jared lose that wait. If the pink-haired eSurance cartoon chick is popping up in hentai websites, then why haven't any picked up Jared? It has to be some form of discrimantion, and I won't stand for it!

Please sign my petition in the form of leaving a comment, and help me demand that Jared be brought to into the adult entertainment world!

*I should note that I was able to find a heterosexual fanfiction involving Jared, but it was softcore at the most. And while very cleverly written, I was left unsatisfied and wanting more.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Not dead or a quadriplegia yet

Did Suicidal Jane finally commit suicide? Get real. I've just been supremely busy. Here's with what:

I went to school, and finished! I am now a Toni & Guy trained, and MAC Cosmetic trained professional makeup artist. I have my own small company (Detective Agency Makeup), and have been designing and applying makeup for a few local fashion shoots here in Albuquerque. Exciting, right?

I've been designing websites for myself (Detective Agency Makeup), Opera Mom (Minnich Music) and a local school outreach program (who would not appreciate being linked to such an offensive blog).

Well if that wasn't enough for you, I've also been cheating on you. I've been writing somewhere else. Somewhere private and off-line. I've been trudging through, I mean working on my novel, the one about the vampire with bulimia.

But I've missed you, and I'm back. And boy do I have some things to write to you all about. True they're mostly porn related, but what do you think I've been doing while procrastinating writing about vampire puke and making already gorgeous models more gorgeous? I've been thinking up more deranged porn that doesn't exist but TOTALLY SHOULD!

So more to come. But just to give you something to think about until then, think about this. If I suddenly became a quadriplegic, due to some freak accident or something, I would totally go into the porn business. After all, the money could be good, and I wouldn't feel it anyway.... gotta pay the bills somehow, and maybe I could hit two fetishes at once and sleep all the way through it.

See? Every cloud has a silver lining.