Thursday, April 22, 2010

I'm FDA approved!!!

Y'all, I've got news! After years of experiments, I have found the cure to "Rage" (the highly contagious virus that infected a large portion of Great Britain. Anyone infected took on severe zombie-like, cannibal symptoms). And after even more years of testing by the FDA, I am proud to announce that it can now be bought, over the counter, in single serving juice boxes. 
They're berry flavored.
And recyclable!!!
I suggest you stock up. Just in case.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Itchy Eyes - Open letter

Dear Scientists,

It's the year 2010, have you noticed? I don't want to sound ungrateful, like those whiny bitches who want a jet pack, but I'd like an explanation. Why hasn't an allergy medication been invented that works?! One that stopping the urge to scratch my eyeballs out, just because the grass is turning green. One that doesn't leave me so doped up that I forget it's not Monday, it's Tuesday and I've forgotten to pick up my mother at the hospital. Mankind has been patient for this kind of change. And I think we're ready and responsible enough to handle the kind of power that being allergy free would give us.

Suicidal Jane

P.S. If you could also get to work on chocolate that makes women lose weight, I'd be forever grateful.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Split Personality

While sitting in the bathroom, moaning about menstrual cramps, I voice in my head appeared. A new voice. One I had never heard before. One that had her own life story and opinions on everything thing.

And she wanted her own Twitter page.

To suddenly be making demands of me, I thought she must be very powerful. I hoped that if I gave her an outlet to voice herself that she'd be satisfied for a while, and would let me be.

I was wrong.

She's taken control my life and says she won't get me back my body for 3-5 days! She says that even when she does leave, she'll return in a month. Every month. For many, many years to come. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of things she'd do to me, my friends and family, my co-workers, every one. What will she do while she has control? Will she ruin my life? Do things I'll regret forever?