Friday, January 23, 2009

To swing or not to swing?

Mr. J and I have been invited to a enjoy a barbecue/hot tub at a new friends' house. These new friends are Seashell and her husband Matchbox. We haven't known them for very long, and have only socialized twice outside of work, so really this get together is the crossing point where our acquaintanceship becomes friendship. I was looking forward to this evening, until I read this. Then I started asking questions to myself.

Two couples and a hot tub... are Seashell and Matchbox swingers? Have we been invited in the hopes that we are swingers too? Should we be swingers? If hours of watching "Swingtown", have taught me anything, it's that every man in America is either a swinger, or desperately wants to be but can't because his wife is a prude. An unreasonable prude. Am I a prude? Seashell and Matchbox are an attractive couple...

Should I even bring a swimsuit to this evening? Or should I just get in the hot tub nude, to show them I'm cool? What if upon seeing me naked, they change their mind? What if I suddenly get gassy at the height of the moment? 

I'll never be able to face Seashell at work again. I'll have to find a new job, and in this economy, I'll be stuck doing temp work, I won't be able to pay my bills, I'll get evicted, my car will be repossessed, and I'll starve to death on the streets. Nah, with my newly found sexual openness, I'll just work the streets as a prostitute. A business man worth billions will stop one day and ask me for directions. I'll insist on driving and take him to his destination, where he'll offer me several thousand dollars to stay the night with him. He'll fall in love with me, and we'll live happily ever after. Until I see Seashell and Matchbox out shopping one day, and they invite me and my new rich husband over for a barbecue and a sit in their hot tub.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I couldn't think of anything else to blog about, so I took the cheap option....

The Loss Adjuster "tagged" me. I wanted to play "Duck, Duck, Goose" but noooo... He dragged me kicking and screaming into a game of questionnaire tag that will only end in blood and tears. 



Rules - Without them, this game would be chaos.

1. Link the person who tagged you - did it above, I'm blindly obeying it already.
2. Post the rules on your blog - that's what you're reading now!
3. Write six random things about yourself - thou shalt write six, no more, no less. Six shall be the number thou shalt write and the number of writing shall be six. Seven shalt thou not write, neither write thou five, excepting that thou then proceed to six. Eight is right out.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog - this is the only way I get comments, through games and dares like this, isn't it?
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up - summary: Six rules, six random things, six people to tag. 666 - those who are tagged are doomed to serve the great beast of the underworld. Hail Satan!

Here we go!

1 - I have Bruce Campbell's signature tattooed to my best breast. 

2 - I play a wicked mean kazoo.

3 - When I die, I hope someone plays Europe's "Final Countdown" at my funeral service.

4 - I have fantasies about running away with The Doctor from Doctor Who.

5 - I once wrote a play that flopped horribly at the first venue it was performed in. The second venue it was a smash hit. I got paid for neither.

8 - Shit!

6 - I'm thinking of making the "Fraggle Rock" theme song my new ring tone. What do you think?

I'm only doing four, because rules were made to be BROKEN! Weakest rebellion ever, huh?

Friday, January 16, 2009



World of Warcraft no longer infects my computer or Mr. J's mind. 

Because I broke the Internet. The entire Internet. No matter where he goes, he can not log on to his character. 

But.. wait, how am I suppose to post this entry? And how will you all read this? I may not have thought this through thoroughly...

I miss you!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Virus Warfare

Can't write much today. I don't know how long he'll be asleep. I had to dust the cat with sleeping powder just to get Mr. J off the computer. Unfortunately the cat is now in a coma, but wars have causalities dammit. I have to go now, I think he's starting to awake. 

I'm working on a plan to defeat WoW forever. I'll try to keep in touch. Wish me luck!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Virus still there

Dear WoW,

Do not start a fight with me, over Mr. J. I will win. 

Boobs win every time.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


My computer has been infected by a virus that calls itself "World of Warcraft". 

The only way to get around it is to buy a second computer so Suicidal Jane can get online at the same time that Mr. J is playing with the virus. 

Unfortunately, I am poor and won't be able to get one anytime soon. Maybe when Mr. J's sick leave is up next week I'll be able to get back on again. 


Monday, January 5, 2009

It's not easy being green

I heard that props from beloved movies can be bought for outrageous amounts of money. 

Dorothy's ruby slippers, from The Wizard of Oz, went for $6 million dollars in an auction.*
The magic carpet from Disney's Aladdin sold for $9 million dollars in another auction.**

And I just heard, that the original Yoda puppet from Empire Strikes Back recently sold for $16 million dollars.*** 

I can't even imagine having that kind of money. But I promise you, if I was rich enough, nerdy enough and Star Wars obsessed enough to spend $16 million dollars on a latex puppet, as soon as I'd gotten it home, I would rip it out of it's packaging and fuck the green off that bitch. Dammit, if I'm going to spend $16 million dollars on anything, I'm going to do whatever I want, and I don't care about your judgements. Why? Because I can afford to spend $16 million dollars on a toy. And honestly, if that's the way I'm spending my money, I doubt I'm getting laid.

Bend over and show me your dark side.

*I made this figure up.
**I rounded up this figured. The carpet can fly, why didn't it go for higher?
***I heard this from my little brother, Monkey Lord, who I think made the whole thing up.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


Thing that have happened last year worth looking back at:

I started a blog.

Barbie was dumped by Ken.

Barbie's sex tape was unveiled.

In a series of experiments I saw who would win in an all out fight, a waterproof camera or a sopapilla.

I discovered that my cats are genocidal maniacs reincarnated.

I tried to befriend a spider.

I decorated a friend's desk.

I made a movie about Tetris.

Walmart told me it was okay to have sex out of wedlock.

Indiana Jones was happy to meet me.

And I did a post a lot like this one celebrating 100 posts, because I was too lazy then as now to write something original.

Happy 2009 Everyone!