Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sleepy Time

I'm sure I'm not the first person to point this out, however...

Sports cars are sold for their sex appeal.

Beer is advertised by scantily clad women.

Cologne, bottled water, clothes, shoes, candy bars, milk, battering rams, lots of things are advertised using sexual images. And really, who can blame them? Sex sells. Always has, and probably always will (pending some unforeseeable future disaster).

So why is it that they don't sell mattresses that way?

And did you know that if you have sex on a Select Comfort Sleep Number mattress, you completely void your warranty! Does looking at porn void your computer's warranty too?

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Experiment #2 : Underwater Camera vs. Sopapilla

Underwater Camera dry

The camera in water, it floats!

Sopapilla dry

The sopapilla in water, it also floats!

It’s not really an underwater camera unless it’s under the water’s surface.

The underwater camera turns on under the water. The sopapilla does not.

The camera takes pictures when completely submerged. The sopapilla does not.

When taken out of the water, the underwater camera is still in pristine shape.

The sopapilla is not. It’s soggy and gross. (Mr. J said it didn’t taste as good as the camera either.)

The winner: The Underwater Camera!!

Here’s the picture taken with the underwater camera:

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Why I don't own nice things.

This is the post that chronicles day one of my time with a waterproof camera. It's not actually my camera. Lizard loaned it to me. I didn't actually ask to borrow it. But with all the picture diaries I've been posting, she wanted to see what I would "do with it." I have to say, I've come up with lots and lots of ideas. And I hope to accomplish them all before she asks for the camera back. I'm not sure how long I'll have it, so I'm prioritizing them; my favorite idea to the least favorite. So if this series of waterproof camera pictures goes downhill... tough. Also, after Lizard sees this post... this might the only one of the chronicle....

This is the front of the camera, inside it's waterproof case.

I love the primary colors! It reminds me of the fisher price toys I had as a kid. "My First Tape Player" "My First Coffee Maker" "My First Battering Ram" I bet the colors are bright and distinguishable so you can see them well under water.

Lizard bought the camera to take pictures when she goes scuba diving.

I do not know how to scuba dive.

As I have said before, I don't breathe water.

I breathe through my nose and mouth.

Why would I want to surround my nose and mouth by something I can not breathe?

So, since I can't go diving... here's the water I'm going to let the camera explore.


To be continued... hopefully....

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Look at what came in the mail today!

A big package came in the mail today. It had my name on it! (Which I censored, because I don't want anyone stalking me...)

What could be inside?

That’s a lot of stamps.

But they were still twelve cents short.

The tool I shall use to open it.

How to use the tool.

Think they used enough tape?!

First flap down.

And inside… another box?!

Two boxes!

Mr. J was so excited he had to turn on his Playstation, the anticipation was too much.

Opening the big box

Which says it’s lots of eggs.

Funny way to package eggs…

A shoe?

Oh Snap! Spice Girls Dolls!

And what’s in the second box?

Spice World – a recorded copy? How cheap!

The Video Collection Volume 1 – sadly there was only one volume

And… an even smaller box?

It appears to have French soap inside...

What’s this? Melanie B.'s jacket... and...

Mini Spice Girls Dolls!

Spice Girls Stickers! (and a pair of sunglasses that don’t fit with anything...)

Headsets for the dolls!

And Geri’s infamous nudie pictures (taken pre-Spice Girl fame)

Melanie B.'s leg came off while I was wiping the dust off the dolls. I never knew she wore a prostethic leg. You'd never figure from how good she dances.
You may be wondering what I'm going to be doing with the dolls. Oh my pets (that's you), I have much in store for them. Keep coming back, and you will see!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Mutant Sex!

I had a dream last night where I was a mutant, like in X-Men. I could heal myself instantly like Wolverine. (But I didn't have claws, and none of the X-Men were in my dream, they're just a good reference.) I got shot, cut, hurt in many ways. And I healed almost instantly. The only thing that really sucked, was that everytime I had sex, I was a virgin again.

I say, "Owie."

Mr. J says, "Awesome!"

Boys..... sheesh.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Grumblings of a drunken mind.

What is currently bugging me right now? Cheap ass DVDs. When I shell out 20 dollars (or more!) for a DVD, I want a quality product, no cut corners. I want extras that I'm actually going to use. Am I ever going to listen to the commentary by the Director of Props, the Production Assistant and the guy who catered the hot dogs for the set? No. But when I open up the box, I expect/want to see a booklet, or even one lousy piece of paper accompanying the DVD disc inside. If for no other reason than to keep disc from being lonely. C'mon, it's the one DVD extra I'm guaranteed to look at before I even watch the movie. Sometimes before I even get to place with a DVD player!

This is a sight that makes me a sad burrito.... :(

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Dream Hat

I just bid for this hat on eBay. It a hat. I don't even wear hats. But I want the veil so when I wear it everything looks slightly blurry. That way I can pretend the world is all just a dream, and if I think about it just right, I can control it all.

Update: 4/16/2008: I've been outbid. I can't beat $5.50... damn... anyone want to buy it for me?

Sexy Back

Happy Tax Day!
(Thank you Hobbit for the idea!)

(Happy Birthday Lizard!)

Monday, April 14, 2008


Alright, so I haven't blogged anything original for a while. For a while it was because I had turned into a emo sheep dog of gloom, and then, it was because I got busy with some awesome ideas for some photo shopping. And since I don't have any fancy programs, I'm doing them all with paint. I promise I'll update more soon, and I'll post the pictures once they're done.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Airplanes broke my spirit

Consider this a "Best of" post. It's from my old blog, from a long time ago. But it still rings true with me.

You know what really sucks? When you notice something that you could rant about for ages. Something so ridiculous and seemingly obvious that once you shared it, you'd be pronounced smart ass of the year! And then some stupid flight attendant explains it to you...........

For instance, if you've flown on an airplane, you know that you're not allowed to smoke. Unless you are on fire. No smoking in your seat, no smoking in the bathroom, no smoking period. No "if"s "and"s or "but"s. However..... and please DO check this. If you have ever happened to fly in an airplane owned by "Frontier Airlines" you will notice.........

wait for it

..................................................................there are ashtrays in the bathroom. ASHTRAYS IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!Imagine what thoughts must have gone through my head, doin' toilet paper origami and then...... what? An ashtray?

Sadly this has since been explained to me, (the planes are made in Europe, and in some countries there, you can apparently smoke on the plane) and that just plane sucks. (see the pun? did ya? did ya?)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Insecurity 2.0

People should have to earn a license before they are allowed to have children. In the years I've been an adult, and old enough to have friends that have kids, I've seen some things that truly make my blood boil. I've seen mothers tell their daughters that all women are either a bitch or a whore. I've seen groups of adults brag to their children about the many times they've driven home from the bar/club/party/etc drunk and weren't caught. I've seen a father chain his own son to a table, forbidding him to talk to anyone for the duration of a week, and then question why someone called child services on him. These are just the things I've seen with my own eyes. So much worse happens everyday. It disgusts me. It makes me hope that global warming speeds up so humanity can drown in our own vat of filth. If you want a child for any other reason than to love them unconditionally, then don't have one! In the age of now, with so many types of birth control, and options when pregnant, no one is being forced to raise an unwanted baby. (At least in this country.) The fact that people can do so many horrible things to their own children makes me fear what they're capable of doing to others.

Just another reason why I'm scared of having kids.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Origins of Me

This is Opera Mom. She raised me and my brothers to be the spectacular people that we currently are. (Personally I think I turned out the best, but that's 'cause she tried harder with me, as I was her favorite, right Mom?) She's the best teacher I ever had. And I'm really happy that after the teenaged rebellion phase was over, she's the first person I want to call when I have good news, bad news or just some juicy gossip to tell. I love you Mom!

Thursday, April 3, 2008


Bath poofs. Not just for exfoliating your back, they make great fake boobs when you're swimming! (Plus, when you have a bunch, they look like warped tribbles...)
We're gonna miss you, Karen, while you're gone.