Friday, January 23, 2009

To swing or not to swing?

Mr. J and I have been invited to a enjoy a barbecue/hot tub at a new friends' house. These new friends are Seashell and her husband Matchbox. We haven't known them for very long, and have only socialized twice outside of work, so really this get together is the crossing point where our acquaintanceship becomes friendship. I was looking forward to this evening, until I read this. Then I started asking questions to myself.

Two couples and a hot tub... are Seashell and Matchbox swingers? Have we been invited in the hopes that we are swingers too? Should we be swingers? If hours of watching "Swingtown", have taught me anything, it's that every man in America is either a swinger, or desperately wants to be but can't because his wife is a prude. An unreasonable prude. Am I a prude? Seashell and Matchbox are an attractive couple...

Should I even bring a swimsuit to this evening? Or should I just get in the hot tub nude, to show them I'm cool? What if upon seeing me naked, they change their mind? What if I suddenly get gassy at the height of the moment? 

I'll never be able to face Seashell at work again. I'll have to find a new job, and in this economy, I'll be stuck doing temp work, I won't be able to pay my bills, I'll get evicted, my car will be repossessed, and I'll starve to death on the streets. Nah, with my newly found sexual openness, I'll just work the streets as a prostitute. A business man worth billions will stop one day and ask me for directions. I'll insist on driving and take him to his destination, where he'll offer me several thousand dollars to stay the night with him. He'll fall in love with me, and we'll live happily ever after. Until I see Seashell and Matchbox out shopping one day, and they invite me and my new rich husband over for a barbecue and a sit in their hot tub.


The Loss Adjuster said...

Just don't forget Slack's advice: BRING A TOWEL! In all seriousness, though, swinging is scary. Just say no.

Suicidal Jane said...

If it actually happens, I'm politely declining, and then getting the hell outta there!