Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Shit War

If you're a girl reading this, you already know. If you're a guy, you may have suspected.

Girls do not poop. I know I've written about poop, more times than polite, and I may have joked that girls poop. But we do not. We don't fart either.

However, in order to make the other genders feel less ashamed about the stinky mess coming out of them on a semi-regular basis (eat more fiber, and it'll become more regular, or so I hear), we lie. We go to the bathroom, and play on our phones, read a book, fix our hair. We also, to make the illusion more believable, dispose of appropriate amount of toilet paper to make it look like we pooped.

That ground work being laid out, I'd like to take this opportunity to compare the bathroom at my current job (in a very small office of <10 a="a" in="in" job="job" large="large" last="last" my="my" of="of" office="office" people="people" the="the" to="to" very="very">200 people).

Round One: Toilet Paper

Small office: Ridiculously plush toilet paper
Large office: Two ply sandpaper

Winner: Small Office - Even with the point deduction, that it's hard to make my toilet paper origami's folds truly crisp. When I take a nap in the stall, the soft toilet paper makes a great pillow, and a very cuddly blanket.

Round Two: Menstruation Amenities

Small office: Ask fellow co-worker for a tampon.
Large office: Pay $0.75 into a tampon vending machine.

Winner: Large office - This was a close call. Because that vending machine IS ALWAYS EMPTY. But even then you still ask a co-worker. And if you're smart, you ask someone you've never spoken to before, so they don't know your name and won't gossip behind your back. Which is ridiculous anyway, why any fellow woman is gossiping about you being on your period. Hello, it's a natural thing. Guys don't gossip about other guys pooping. But whatever.

Round Three: Lighting

Small office: Fluorescent
Large office: Fluorescent

Winner: Draw - Come on! Why can't we have flattering lights in the only room in the office with a mirror? Whatever bulbs are used in a Lane Bryant dressing room, that make me feel super skinny and that everything I try on makes me look like a super model, instead of looking pregnant, which is what I look like where I wear that expensive outfit ANYWHERE ELSE, can we use those lights? And not just in the bathrooms, but every where? Please?

Overall winner: No one. Because as long as I have to pretend to go to the bathroom, the longer I'm going to blog about it. And I suspect, no one is enjoying this.

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