Tuesday, December 22, 2009


For reasons I don't care to disclose, a doctor has prescribed me a shit load of hormone treatments. (Maybe I'm taking steps to become a real woman, maybe I'm trying to grow a horn out of my ass, it doesn't matter why.) And like a good girl (or soon to be girl?) I've been diligently swallowing pills, injecting shots into my thighs and ass, applying patches to my skin, despite some of the horrible side effects.

I'm bloated, I think I gained 60 pounds last night alone, I'm grouchy, I think I'm funny when I'm not, my poop is green, I can't stop burping and I'm experiencing horrendous heartburn.

Obviously I'm turning into a dragon.

It explains everything. I'm gaining weight because dragons are typically large. Dragons are grumpy and notorious for having a poor sense of humor. Green poo just means that my digestive tract has turned green. Soon the rest of my body will turn green and scaly. Burping and heartburn? Hello! I'm preparing to breathe fire.

This was not the original intention of me starting these treatments. However as far as side effects go, "turning into a dragon", is pretty cool.

1 comment:

Nameless Cynic said...

I'm sorry. We meant to explain this to you before. You aren't turning into a dragon.

You already were a dragon. The hormones are only bringing this out.

Doesn't this explain the love of gold and jewelry? The bad breath? And the occasional hobbit you needed to kill?

I'm sorry we didn't tell you this before...