Sunday, November 29, 2009

Fillin' you in... That sounds dirty!

Sweet baby Jesus, I think that was the longest hiatus I have ever taken from blogging. Let me catch you up.

I spent two months working on a Halloween costume (see the previous post). Blood, sweat and tears were shed in the making of that costume. A few were spread around just writing about it!

The same day of the costume contest (October 30th), Mr. J and I celebrated our two year anniversary. He wanted to spend the weekend at a sweet bed & breakfast. I wanted to go bowling. We compromised by having a romantic dinner at a restaurant we can rarely afford to go to and watching a movie of my choice while drinking wine. (We watched The Boondock Saints because I'm a fucking romantic.)

October 31st, my twin brother flew into town! He's a Marine currently stationed in Hawaii (lucky bastard), but was getting ready to fly out to Afghanistan. I guess Albuquerque was on the way? He stayed here for two weeks, during which my parents threw both him and I a Murder Mystery surprise birthday party (since he wouldn't be here for our actual birthday). He also showed everyone just how disgusting public displays of affection are when hanging out with your family. (Seriously, his girlfriend and him were attached with magnets that would pull satellites out of orbit. All. The. Time. I'm pretty sure they even went to the toilet together.)

After the first week he was here, more relatives dropped by. A cousin I hadn't seen since I was four, and her husband... who I'd never met. I had my doubts. Serious doubts. I don't like much of my extended family, but happily I discovered I really like them! Even though the night they got here my mother tricked me into stopping by for dinner. Dinner she told me! She failed to mention that it was going to be an early Thanksgiving Dinner. A pointless holiday that I refuse to participate in. (Woo-hoo! Let's celebrate how prudish pilgrims landed in a country that was already inhabited. Nearly starved to death, and were save by a group of people they eventually exploited. Plus, I really hate stuffing. Nasty stuff.)

Once everyone left, Mr. J and I struggled to clean our apartment spotless before, one more relative came to visit.

Mr J's Mother!

She was only here for three days, and she really is a nice and pleasant woman, but I was so nervous I STOPPED POO-ING.* From the night before she got here, to three days after she'd gone, I didn't have a single bowel movement. And we ate, a lot. I was briefly convinced that my colon must have so much poo stopped up it that the pressure was going to turn the poo into a giant diamond. A poo diamond, that while very beautiful, was going to tear my insides apart.

She flew back to her home, but before life could return to normal I had to prepare for Black Friday. For those of you lucky enough to not know what Black Friday is, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving. The day most retail stores have ridiculous sales that cause overly desperate people (usually housewives) to stand outside these stores for NINE HOURS (rain, sleet or snow) to buy a 300" LCD television for twenty bucks. It is also the day that the Mayans predict the world will end in 2012, but I'm not taking any chances, just in case they miss calculated the year. I buy canned food, bottled water and ammunition for my shotgun, a few days beforehand. I create a bunker in my bathtub. I hide out with my two cats and wait for the end to come. Mr. J thinks I overreact, but when the shopping zombies drink his brains through a straw, he'll be wishing he'd worn the metal helmet I gave him for our anniversary.

Because nothing is more romantic than head protection.

*Not that girls do that.

1 comment:

Pagan Lizard said...

seriously, i kinda, almost, maybe, sort of missed working at TRU the day after thanksgiving... it was a stress test but it was fun. you know you missed it too...