Big Brother is monitoring my flow

I downloaded an app that tracks my period. It sends me texts the day before my period so I can remember to shove some necessary products in my purse and not ruin someone's perfectly white couch. (Who the hell thinks that a white couch is a good idea? It is going to get ruined, maybe not by me this time, but by SOMEONE.)

At first, the app was pretty cool, it asked me a few questions, and then, other than the 28-day-mark text, it left me alone. As the months went by, it updated itself. With each new update, it asked me a few more questions. It wanted me to confirm that my period had indeed started the day it predicted. Then last month, it sent me a few more texts, "24 hours until your period begins"..... "18 hours until your period begins"..... "8 hours until your period begins".... "30 minutes until your period begins".

And slap me with a fish, it was absolutely right! This app predicted, to the exact minute, when my uterus would start expelling the uterine lining and failed-to-be-fertilized-egg.

Then last week, it sent me another text. "The flower is blooming." What the hell does that mean, I thought to myself. So I opened the app, and investigated. It means I'm ovulating. This app knows what's going on in my body before I do, and is now telling me in cryptic code. No need for pregnancy test anymore, if I do accidentally get pregnant, I'm sure I'll get a text, "The bird is in the nest."

I just wish it would let me know if I'm getting a cold. "The leaves are turning orange."
If that cold is going to turn into a sinus infection. "The duck doesn't leave it's pond in the winter."
If that infection is traveling up to my brain and going to kill me. "Wind is the color of joy, and sorrow."